Merry Christmas to you, America

My fellow Americans,

     I have great news. The story about the death of our dear friend, the Big Mac, is completely false. His reign as the #1 sandwich America hates to love continues. May his popularity and our belts continue to grow for decades to come. Thank you, and God Bless America!

RIP Big Mac

Am I the only one upset that they're discontinuing the Big Mac? Thanks a lot Obama. #JusticeForSpecialSauce

What Your Hot Sauce Says About You

Sriracha: I'm a hipster trying to fit in. I probably do crossfit too
Tabasco: I'm from the south, your sauce and your position on the war of northern aggression are inferior
Texas Pete: I'm from Texas, let me tell you how awesome it is
Cholula: Hipster before sriracha was cool. Or you're at a Mexican restaurant
Taco Bell sauce: you're poor and you stole 2 handfuls of these after your buddy bought your meal

Frank's Red Hot: I shop at Costco and have 30 gallons of it. 

Any other hot sauce: I have no idea what I'm doing in life

Productivity

If you ever want to see a man work harder than he ever has in his entire life, tell him he has an entire day to do a few simple tasks, let him forgo personal hygiene for Netflix,  and then tell him he only has 10 minutes left or his wife will find out he still hasn't showered and is still in his underwear. I say this because... It happened today.

Shades of style

Boys have swag, men have style, gentlemen have class, I have a hangover....

Post Office Lady

Post Lady: "excuse me, sir, do those big brown bottles have beer in them?"

Me: "no mam, they're empty. I mean, they did but, I took care of that last night"

Here's to Hoping

Emma Watson delivered a historic speech to the UN, the US and it's Arab allies initiated air strikes on  ISIS in Syria, but let's not overlook the most important news of today: there's a possibility that Miley Cyrus might go to Mexican jail. Viva la Mexican justice system?

Denver/Seattle game

Seeing the Broncos lose in stupid NFL overtime is one thing. Seeing the Broncos lose to those gluten free, coffee drinking, dirty hippies... Way worse.

First new holiday

Now that it is officially Saturday, I'd like to declare it national "sober up" day. It's where you let the booze drain out of your system and think about the consequences of your night. For example, why did all your co-workers want to tackle/hit-you-in-the-testicles last night? I don't you, use today to find that out

National "Talk Like A Pirate" Day

Rumor has it that today is national "Talk Like A Pirate" day, which begs the question: who comes up with this shit? Honestly, how did this become a thing? Is there an approval authority for silly holidays? Can anyone do anything and just claim it's a holiday? "Oh, officer, you don't understand, it's not indecent exposure, it's national shit on the sidewalk day, you know, for lupus research."

Prepare yourselves, I've decided to start creating my own holidays.

Talladega Tshirt

Co-worker told me about a shirt he saw at Talladega: "this isn't a beer gut, it's a fuel tank for a sex machine".  Words to live by.

2 years away

Today, the US Air Force turned 67, which made me realize, we're 2 years away from the Air Force's 69th birthday.  It's sure to be quite the event.

Co-worker convo

Co-worker: "if you switched my college GPA with my college BAC, I would have been a Rhodes scholar and a sober Sally"

Conversation with my sister about Tennessee

I'd like to preface this story by stating that I was very drunk while texting this. I'm both sorry and not sorry.

Sister: "I'm trying to explain to mike why everyone hates Tennessee. He isn't getting it"

Will: "Imagine someone you know who isn't quite retarded to the point where they are special needs but is incredibly stupid.  And this person is very insecure about it so, they run around constantly swinging their dick around expecting everyone to suck it because they think they're the best, even though time and time again, they've proven that they're a limp dick worthless piece of shit. They butt-in while you and your friends are trying to have a real conversation and start singing stupid f---ing rocky top" at the top of their lungs, even though you've told them to shut the f--- up and no one likes that annoying song. Oh yea, and all he wears is orange, all the time, even when it's not appropriate.  You pray you don't see him at weddings and funerals because he'd ruin the whole thing with his inbred accent, dumb and dumber orange tux, and stupid hillbilly dancing. You don't know exactly who invited him but, if you find out, you'll probably punch them right in the scrotum. That's why everyone hates Tennessee"

Hot Pockets

This box of Hot Pockets in my freezer says, "good source of fiber".  Shut up Hot Pockets, quit pretending you're real food.

Pretzel Crust Pizza

Little Caesar's just came out with a pretzel crust pizza. This is what happens when you legalize marijuana.

Complicated names

Why do people with complicated names get so upset when their name is misspelled? I'm sorry Chrystal, but you're named after a fast food restaurant and your parents can't spell. 

Welcome to my blog, I guess

After having a couple of mildly funny Facebook statuses in a row to inflate my ego and being asked by some friends (1 friend, Kevin Tourville, just to keep my ego in check), I've decided to write a blog. He said he'd read it so, why the hell not. Just a warning, the spelling may occasionally be sub-par, the grammar will probably be less than perfect, and I will probably offend some of you, but it's my blog and I can do whatever the hell I want.