Shit I Like To Cook: The Fatty

So... I have a Big Green Egg smoker now. If you're not familiar with this type of grill, please, let me explain to you what it is. In layman' terms: it's a fancy-ass smoker. It's a carnivores delight and a vegans worst nightmare. Sometimes, I dream about it and wake up in a cold meat-sweat. I think you get the point. Because of this, I've been smoking just about anything I can find. Yea, just about every dead animal I can get my hands on but, I've smoked other stuff like casseroles and pizzas too. I'm providing job security to cardiologists across the greater Omaha metro. I'm a job creator. You're welcome. Now, let's make America tasty again.

I'll throw up a few more recipes up for the smoker when I get some time but, in the mean time, I'll share with you what I'm smoking while writing this:

The Fatty

Warning: please don't consume this glorious marriage of pork and beef if you have any of the following conditions:

Heart disease
Diabetes Type 1/2
Gout
Vegetarianism
Veganism
Political Correctness

Okay, that should make the lawyers happy. Here's what you'll need:

1 Lb Bacon
1 Lb Italian Sausage
1 Lb Ground Beef (80/20 or 85/15)
Barbecue Rub (make your own if you want, I don't, but you do you I guess)
Barbecue Sauce (if it says Kraft on the bottle, choke yourself)
4 slices Gouda Cheese
1 cup Sharp Cheddar Cheese
1/2 of a Green Pepper
1 Vidalia Onion
4 Jalapeños
12 pack Miller Lite (for that fiiine Pilsner taste)
1 bag natural lump charcoal
4-5 small blocks of Oak or Hickory wood

This will probably require a trip to a butcher shop to get the best cuts; like Just Good Meats on 84th but, you can find this all at a grocery store too. Free plug there JGM, I expect to be compensated with delicious meats in the future. Now that you're supplies are full, let's get to work on the Fatty.

1) Take one can of Miller Lite outside and cut a hole near the base about a half inch wide. Put your lips on the can around the hole, flip the can right-side up, and pop the top. Chug as quickly as you can then, slam the empty can on the ground while screaming "FATTY!!!" at the top of your lungs. This will summon the pork gods and bring favor upon your grill.

2) Go inside and start working on the bacon weave. I could explain how to make a bacon weave OR you could search for it on YouTube and save me the trouble of trying to explain it. I went to public school, my writing skills are limited. You'll need around 14 strips to make it work, I save a couple for later to put around the ends too.

3) Resist eating the bacon weave immediately and instead, put some barbecue rub all over the top side. Really, go nuts with it. Let loose and cover the weave. That shit is delicious.

4) Now, time to work on the meat filling. Take the Italian sausages and remove the casing. Place all the sausages in a mixing bowl and add the ground beef. Mix together well and enjoy the rush you feel from mixing two delicious meats together for the greater good.

5) Crack another beer if you haven't already.

6) Spread the heavenly pork/beef mixture out into a square that should mostly cover the bacon weave and place it on top of the weave.

7) Top the meat with the Gouda slices and then top that with the shredded sharp cheddar.

8) Dice the green peppers and onions. Dice the Jalapeños as well but, remember to remove the core and the seeds unless you want a flaming fatty AKA: Big Gay Al.

9) Time to roll the fatty. Take one end of the fatty and begin to roll it over itself. The goal is to have one side of the bacon weave barely overlap the other side. Use extra bacon slices to cover up the ends.

10) Top the Fatty with more barbecue rub, as required.

Smoking time.

Set up your smoker so it'll smoke at around 300-350 Fahrenheit. I don't know what that is in centigrade because I'm and American and learned real math. I let it heat up initially, then add the Oak or Hickory and finally add the heat distribution plate and water pan. If you're not familiar with what I'm talking about, YouTube some videos about smokers and they should explain it.

Smoke for about 3 hours or until you get an internal temperature of 165.

Top with Barbecue sauce at about 2.5 hours so it can carmelize.

Cut into 1 inch thick slices and call your doctor to set up an appointment and EKG.

Enjoy!

Shit I Like to Cook: Frogmore Stew

This is the first edition of what I like to call: "Shit I Like to Cook"

It'll be a cookbook, or something like that. It's not weird. You're weird. Shut up.

There's not really a theme to it, like those Junior League cookbooks or anything. I mean, yea, it's going to have primarily southern recipes because that's just the best food around, hands down, plain and simple. If you don't agree, that's fine, it's a free country. Just stop reading right now, and punch yourself right in the genitals. You know I'm right. It's like football, the south is and will always be better. There will be some Italian stuff, Midwestern, and whatever else I come up with when I'm a few beers deep in the kitchen.

But I digress....

First recipe will be possibly my favorite thing to cook and eat: Frogmore Stew AKA the low-country boil.

Now, I'm not from Charleston, but my Mama and my Grammy are so, I count it. Kind of like those kids that say, "I'm half Jewish". Whatever, you're Jewish or you're not, grow a pair and on the yamaka. Here's what you'll need

-1/2 Lb Gulf Shrimp per person (ruby reds are good too, don't use that Chinese shit from Costco)
-Crab, if you got it, equal portions. And that's eating crabs, not the kind you get at a frat party
-about the same amount of andouille sausage. Don't use spicy Italian or I'll punch you
-2 ears of corn per person
-3 new potatoes per person, skin on
-2 onions
-1 big whatever they call it of celery
-Old Bay Seasoning
-Tony Chachere's or Slap Ya Mama Cajun spice
-2 Bay Leaves
-3 Beers
-Marshall Tucker Station on Pandora, and turn that shit up

Okay, now that you've got all that collected, it's time to start cooking.

First step, shotgun one of the beers. Discard the can. Now open the second beer, this will be your cooking beer. It's important to put this one in a koozie to keep it cool. I recommend the yeti koozie. Expensive, but amazing. It'll keep your beer cold through the whole process, but no worries, you shouldn't be nursing that anyways.

Next, you'll make the broth. This is the most important part of the recipe, so that's why I had you do it at the most sober point. You're going to need one of those double boiler pots where the inside looks like a big ass colander. You can do it without but, you should go try and get your broke-ass one asap. They're clutch. You'll just have to use two big ass pots and put a collander on top of the other to separate the broth later.

Fill the pot most of the way with water. Cut up the celery, onions, 2 of the potatoes, and toss it in the water. Doesn't have to be pretty, you're throwing it away later, and make sure you put in he leafy parts of the celery, that's the good shit. Add in the bay leaves some of the shrimp tails, and one or two of the crab parts, whatever you don't really care about. Add in at least a tablespoon of Tony Chachere's and go nuts with the Old Bay. Seriously, add a shit ton and then when you think it's enough, keep going. The water should be darker than chicken broth, but lighter than beef broth, closer to the beef.

Drink beer, listen to music, and boil for about 30-45 minutes, the longer the better. While you're doing this, cut up the sausage into about 1 inch pieces, cut the corn into halves, cut the potatoes into quarters, and make sure the shrimp and crab are ready to go.

Drink more beer

After your comfort level of making the broth, separate the onions and what not from the broth. You can do it the east way with the double boiler or the hard way like I described earlier. Seriously, go buy the double boiler. Now comes the easy part.

Dump in the potatoes, boil for 5 minutes.

Then dump in the Sausage, boil for 7 minutes.

Dump in the corn (and crab) boil for 7 minutes.

Drink beer

Dump in the shrimp, but only boil for 3 minutes. Never over cook shrimp. If you do, it's okay, but you'll just spend a few more years in purgatory for pissing off God.

Separate, serve immediately, finish remaining beers.

Merry Christmas to you, America

My fellow Americans,

     I have great news. The story about the death of our dear friend, the Big Mac, is completely false. His reign as the #1 sandwich America hates to love continues. May his popularity and our belts continue to grow for decades to come. Thank you, and God Bless America!

RIP Big Mac

Am I the only one upset that they're discontinuing the Big Mac? Thanks a lot Obama. #JusticeForSpecialSauce

What Your Hot Sauce Says About You

Sriracha: I'm a hipster trying to fit in. I probably do crossfit too
Tabasco: I'm from the south, your sauce and your position on the war of northern aggression are inferior
Texas Pete: I'm from Texas, let me tell you how awesome it is
Cholula: Hipster before sriracha was cool. Or you're at a Mexican restaurant
Taco Bell sauce: you're poor and you stole 2 handfuls of these after your buddy bought your meal

Frank's Red Hot: I shop at Costco and have 30 gallons of it. 

Any other hot sauce: I have no idea what I'm doing in life

Productivity

If you ever want to see a man work harder than he ever has in his entire life, tell him he has an entire day to do a few simple tasks, let him forgo personal hygiene for Netflix,  and then tell him he only has 10 minutes left or his wife will find out he still hasn't showered and is still in his underwear. I say this because... It happened today.

Shades of style

Boys have swag, men have style, gentlemen have class, I have a hangover....