Shit I Like to Cook: Frogmore Stew

This is the first edition of what I like to call: "Shit I Like to Cook"

It'll be a cookbook, or something like that. It's not weird. You're weird. Shut up.

There's not really a theme to it, like those Junior League cookbooks or anything. I mean, yea, it's going to have primarily southern recipes because that's just the best food around, hands down, plain and simple. If you don't agree, that's fine, it's a free country. Just stop reading right now, and punch yourself right in the genitals. You know I'm right. It's like football, the south is and will always be better. There will be some Italian stuff, Midwestern, and whatever else I come up with when I'm a few beers deep in the kitchen.

But I digress....

First recipe will be possibly my favorite thing to cook and eat: Frogmore Stew AKA the low-country boil.

Now, I'm not from Charleston, but my Mama and my Grammy are so, I count it. Kind of like those kids that say, "I'm half Jewish". Whatever, you're Jewish or you're not, grow a pair and on the yamaka. Here's what you'll need

-1/2 Lb Gulf Shrimp per person (ruby reds are good too, don't use that Chinese shit from Costco)
-Crab, if you got it, equal portions. And that's eating crabs, not the kind you get at a frat party
-about the same amount of andouille sausage. Don't use spicy Italian or I'll punch you
-2 ears of corn per person
-3 new potatoes per person, skin on
-2 onions
-1 big whatever they call it of celery
-Old Bay Seasoning
-Tony Chachere's or Slap Ya Mama Cajun spice
-2 Bay Leaves
-3 Beers
-Marshall Tucker Station on Pandora, and turn that shit up

Okay, now that you've got all that collected, it's time to start cooking.

First step, shotgun one of the beers. Discard the can. Now open the second beer, this will be your cooking beer. It's important to put this one in a koozie to keep it cool. I recommend the yeti koozie. Expensive, but amazing. It'll keep your beer cold through the whole process, but no worries, you shouldn't be nursing that anyways.

Next, you'll make the broth. This is the most important part of the recipe, so that's why I had you do it at the most sober point. You're going to need one of those double boiler pots where the inside looks like a big ass colander. You can do it without but, you should go try and get your broke-ass one asap. They're clutch. You'll just have to use two big ass pots and put a collander on top of the other to separate the broth later.

Fill the pot most of the way with water. Cut up the celery, onions, 2 of the potatoes, and toss it in the water. Doesn't have to be pretty, you're throwing it away later, and make sure you put in he leafy parts of the celery, that's the good shit. Add in the bay leaves some of the shrimp tails, and one or two of the crab parts, whatever you don't really care about. Add in at least a tablespoon of Tony Chachere's and go nuts with the Old Bay. Seriously, add a shit ton and then when you think it's enough, keep going. The water should be darker than chicken broth, but lighter than beef broth, closer to the beef.

Drink beer, listen to music, and boil for about 30-45 minutes, the longer the better. While you're doing this, cut up the sausage into about 1 inch pieces, cut the corn into halves, cut the potatoes into quarters, and make sure the shrimp and crab are ready to go.

Drink more beer

After your comfort level of making the broth, separate the onions and what not from the broth. You can do it the east way with the double boiler or the hard way like I described earlier. Seriously, go buy the double boiler. Now comes the easy part.

Dump in the potatoes, boil for 5 minutes.

Then dump in the Sausage, boil for 7 minutes.

Dump in the corn (and crab) boil for 7 minutes.

Drink beer

Dump in the shrimp, but only boil for 3 minutes. Never over cook shrimp. If you do, it's okay, but you'll just spend a few more years in purgatory for pissing off God.

Separate, serve immediately, finish remaining beers.