Merry Christmas to you, America

My fellow Americans,

     I have great news. The story about the death of our dear friend, the Big Mac, is completely false. His reign as the #1 sandwich America hates to love continues. May his popularity and our belts continue to grow for decades to come. Thank you, and God Bless America!

RIP Big Mac

Am I the only one upset that they're discontinuing the Big Mac? Thanks a lot Obama. #JusticeForSpecialSauce

What Your Hot Sauce Says About You

Sriracha: I'm a hipster trying to fit in. I probably do crossfit too
Tabasco: I'm from the south, your sauce and your position on the war of northern aggression are inferior
Texas Pete: I'm from Texas, let me tell you how awesome it is
Cholula: Hipster before sriracha was cool. Or you're at a Mexican restaurant
Taco Bell sauce: you're poor and you stole 2 handfuls of these after your buddy bought your meal

Frank's Red Hot: I shop at Costco and have 30 gallons of it. 

Any other hot sauce: I have no idea what I'm doing in life

Productivity

If you ever want to see a man work harder than he ever has in his entire life, tell him he has an entire day to do a few simple tasks, let him forgo personal hygiene for Netflix,  and then tell him he only has 10 minutes left or his wife will find out he still hasn't showered and is still in his underwear. I say this because... It happened today.

Shades of style

Boys have swag, men have style, gentlemen have class, I have a hangover....

Post Office Lady

Post Lady: "excuse me, sir, do those big brown bottles have beer in them?"

Me: "no mam, they're empty. I mean, they did but, I took care of that last night"

Here's to Hoping

Emma Watson delivered a historic speech to the UN, the US and it's Arab allies initiated air strikes on  ISIS in Syria, but let's not overlook the most important news of today: there's a possibility that Miley Cyrus might go to Mexican jail. Viva la Mexican justice system?